Understanding My Drive & Purpose

Passion & Purpose 2

The Monday before Thanksgiving we had “Friendsgiving” dinner with our closest California friends. There were tons of jokes and laughter and we shared what we were thankful for. In my case, it was the growth born out of struggle. In 2015, I faced incredible challenges. The kind that led to tears, fears, and questioning. This past year I questioned my ability, my sanity, and my purpose.

Friendsgiving P3

I’m the girl that always thinks she knows what is and what’s next. But the spiritual fealty walk to California, a leap of faith without a parachute, was not without its challenges.

I’ve been on this journey to relinquish the idols that have defined and affirmed my self-worth for most of my adult life. Learning how to walk in my purpose and passion without career and success idolatry has been the hardest expedition of my life thus far. What was the point without aiming for the most covetous career and the sexist success? For a while there and for the first time ever, I found myself wandering aimlessly. I didn’t realize how empty my understanding of drive and purpose were.

To start, I had two understand two things better, idolism and identity:

Idolism (noun): false appearance; false belief

Synonyms: confusion, deception, delusion, fantasy, hallucination, image, misconception, myth, pipe dream

I had to come to understand AND accept that the ideas that were fueling my drive were ignus fatus; make-believe. I was building an empire on delusion. I was fueling my purpose with faux food and wondering why I was malnourished.

Identity (noun): person’s individuality

Synonyms: character, existence, integrity, distinctiveness, uniqueness

I had to come to discovery and understand my truest identity. I had to peel back the layers to the core of who I am and what I believe. I had to fully absorb that jobs come and go, titles change, and my perceived path may shift. I had to peel back the layers and shine a light on the dark places and figure out who I am and what drives me. Am I driven by faith, positivity and true self worth? Or am I driven by fear and inadequacy?

I started to define the traits and behaviors I abhor and strive for, I then benchmarked them against my current life-walk. Defining your idols and defining your true identity is an integral first step in growth and progress. At the end, I realized my identity was linked to my culture, my faith, and my understanding of grace.

Simple & Affordable DIY Seafood Meal

Ahi Tuna 2

In the mood for a simple and healthy gourmet meal using seasonal vegetables, this is the recipe for you.

Today’s Menu

  • Bumble Bee SuperFresh® Seared Ahi Tuna, the first ever sushi quality “Thaw and serve” packaged seafood product.
  • Sautéed herb spaghetti squash, an in season vegetable that is a great pasta replacement and packs a strong nutritional punch.
  • Broccoli and kale slaw from Trader Joe’s, a quick all in one slaw mix with dried berries, almonds and sunflower seeds. The sweet and savory dressing is included and delicious!

Ahi Tuna Dinner


Seared Tuna Ahi Tuna

  • Bumble Bee SuperFresh® Seared Ahi Tuna, which can be found in the frozen food section of participating grocers. (1 Package serves 2)


  • That’s it! The directions say to thaw 3 hours in the refrigerator, but I placed in a flat glass dish filled with cold water and three packages in the refrigerator, all three fully thawed in less than an hour.

You would think that the freezing and thawing process would somehow yield a sub par seafood product, NOT AT ALL. It tasted restaurant fresh and tender and the flavor was crisp and slightly smokey! Bumble Bee SuperFresh® smells and tastes amazing. Because you thaw and plate so your house is not filled with fishy food smells, which makes this Ahi Tuna great for entertaining.


Sautéed herb spaghetti squash

  • 1 Large Spaghetti squash, also called vegetable spaghetti, is a technically a fruit that can range either from ivory to yellow or orange in color. The orange varieties have a higher carotene content. Its center contains many large seeds. Its flesh is bright yellow or orange. When raw, the flesh is solid and similar to other raw squash; when cooked, the flesh falls away from the fruit in ribbons or strands like spaghetti.
  • 1/3 Cup Chopped Fresh Parsley 
  • 1/3 Cup Chopped Fresh Green Union
  • 1Tablespoon Coconut Oil
  • 1Tablespoon Unsalted Butter
  • 3 Bulbs Garlic minced or crushed in a garlic press
  • Freshly grated Parmesan Cheese
  • Salt to taste

How to Cook Spaghetti Squash

Cut squash in half, lightly salt both sides, place face down on baking sheet and bake 35 minutes in an oven preheated to 425 degrees. Once cooked (to test, you should easily be able to pierce skin with a fork), sauté herbs and garlic in the coconut oil and butter mix in a saucepan on the stovetop. Mix in the forked out contents of the squash and top with cheese.

Broccoli and Kale Slaw

  • 1 Package Broccoli and Kale Slaw from Trader Joe’s

Open package, remove sauce/nut/dried fruit packets, empty vegetable contents into medium-sized serving bowl, and mix in the aforementioned sauce/nut/dried fruit packets. Voila, you are done!

Plate and serve!

Seared Ahi Tuna and Spaghetti Squash

I was selected for this opportunity as a member of Clever Girls and the content and opinions expressed here are all my own.

The Hard Bits of Being Married

Love and Marriage

I love my husband dearly, but his emotions are too strong. He feels too deeply. He wants too much. He is admittedly what I wanted in a husband on many levels, but now that I have him, my mind is (occasionally) exhausted by the desires of my own heart.

Who did I marry? Why did I marry? Why am I even still married?

I know my husband is a good guy, a great guy in fact. But, he isn’t always a great guy to me. In my own mind’s eye he is, at times, unbearable. He is annoying and sometimes I want to be alone more than I want to be married.

But the truth is, I would feel this way if I married any number of other guys roaming this planet or some interesting alternate universe. It’s me. Some women are self destructively co-dependent. I, however, hoover on the polar opposite end of the spectrum. Being married is an exercise of faith: I die to self daily.

Marriage was optional for me, I didn’t have all these idolatrous views about the institution. I didn’t need it to feel whole and defined as a woman or person. But, I met a man that I wanted more than my own selfishness. I found a love that one could easily write sonnets about. But, that doesn’t mean that I fully stopped being a bit of a loner and an occasional introvert.

He isn’t an automaton (Jane Eyre anyone); I can’t just activate him when I want to be a wife and deactivate him when I want to be selfish. He has emotional needs, even when I am unable or unwilling to provide them, and that is (one of) the hard bits of being married. That I am a selfish creature fighting like hell to occasionally get out of my own head and be selfless for the man I made so many matrimonial and spiritual promises to.

My desire to be alone, to live independently of the responsibility for the happiness and corresponding needs of anothermust be confronted and conquered. Not all desires will lead to a happy journey or happy ending, sometimes you find yourself wanting and even believing things that will only lead to you being the antagonist of your own life’s story. At my worst, I’m my own wicked witch and evil step-mother.

The part of me that itches for an empty bedmust remind myself of the euphoria of feeling his rhythmic breath tickling my neck in the darkest of nights. The part of me that is exhausted with the seemingly endless communication of emotions, also revels in the fathomless and riveting depths of some of our most poignant tête-à-têtes about life, religion or politics. The part of me that is annoyed with having to abandon my past-time preference for endless novels or bath-less Netflix marathons, must be reminded that what I’m doing instead—being a partner to a man with a simultaneous capacity for such greatness and kindness and living my own epic narrative—is a better past-time.

I Vaguely Recall Marrying for Love

Jane EyreThe thing about marrying for love is that you will inevitably have to exist in that world following “ever after”. The great unknown, and the place where the story continues past what some people to be the only fairy tale worthy stuff. But then again… I’m pretty sure Cinderella found out too late she had ABSOLUTELY NOTHING in common with the Prince and (because she was raised by flaky mystical tree fairies) Sleeping Beauty made for an awkward addition to royal society.

I married for love, my own Darcy, Rochester, or for those whose tastes haven’t expanded beyond young adult novels, Cullen.

I won’t excite bore you with the awesome details, but our life is far from mundane. I think we are living the storybook narrative every week. Sometimes there are villains, magic and miniature happy endings within smaller chapters of an ongoing epic tale.

For us, it is the small eccentricities that keep us going, keep us connected. We playfully chase each other in public with whimsical Dollar Store items like water balloons or silly string. Have heated existential arguments about politics and religion. And we both believe it is completely sane to prep for the zombie apocalypse. Simply put, we figuratively frolic through the wilderness and dance in the rain.

But, we also disagree about finances and I’ll spare you the details of the verbal fisticuffs that ensues if he neglects his trash removal duties.

The world following “ever after” is amazing, but I am pretty sure even Jane suppressed the occasional urge to shank Rochester! I mean, he was a little douchey even while head over heels in love with her.

At our worst, I only vaguely recall this whole “marrying for love” thing, but at our everyday, I could not have imagined a better love interest for a heroine such as myself. (Other than Park from Eleanor and Park!!)

Love, Rosie – I Hate This Book With My Entire Effing Heart

Screen Shot 2015-06-28 at 12.11.46 AM

I started reading Love, Rosie; a book recently adapted into a film with Hunger Games Bae, Sam Caflin, as the male protagonist. It’s a love story about Rosie and Alex, kindergarten BFF’s turned untimely adult almost lovers (a million times over). It’s a depressingly drawn out narrative communicated in letters, texts, and emails.

Half-way through the book, when the characters have gone from seven to thirty and they miss yet another chance at love, I think “Hell, this crap aint even close to done!”.

I quickly Googled a spoiler filled review, only to find out that they are grandparents before they are successful in love!



My House Is Rarely Clean & I Don’t Give A Damn

On your way in, don’t gasp and don’t judge!

I have two kids and they are loud, full of life, energetic, and seemingly happy. So, when you walk through my front door sometimes (most times) it looks like a tornado touched down.

This could be a major point of stress… “What kind of mother am I, will my husband understand?”

But the truth is, I will be surprised as hell if in 20 years some high functioning, dysfunctional adult fictitious versions of my two near twin children are dragging me kicking and screaming into group therapy because their childhood home wasn’t clean enough or, because they were allowed to play too freely in the living-room.

Of my many personal faults (which I  am actively working on), chill parenting probably won’t be the one that a counterfeit “ex” version on my current husband would use as an adequate excuse for his emotional abandonment.

Though my house is rarely clean, Rhett Butler and I currently don’t give a damn… Unless I’m expecting house guests or my Mother (in law) is coming to visit!